12 February 2006

Where is the love? Brethren and fellow unionists will ask

Daily Ireland

**Via Newshound

BY Robin Livingstone

The Love Ulster campaign is going to take part in the upcoming Dublin parade. I’m pleased to pass on a leaked programme of events that arrived on my desk in a brown envelope this morning. I can exclusively reveal that the RTE have confirmed that the rally will be broadcast live and, at the request of their union, cameramen will be provided with helmets and flak jackets with ‘TV’ written on the front in white tape:
11am: Open air prayer service outside Norman’s Bargain Beers & Wines;
11.30am: Blessing of the petrol bombs and swords by Rev Major Simpson Gibson, patron of the Keep Ulster Lit society;
Noon: Proceed to Dublin via Whiterock Road, Suffolk, Ardoyne shops and Short Strand (In keeping with the Love Ulster pledge to keep the parade orderly and responsible (stewards, quartermasters, medics and stretcher-bearers will have easily identifiable armbands);
2pm: Assemble O’Connell Street for speeches...;
i) Grand Lodge Vizier Hamilton Turkington McClurg on ‘How I suddenly turned from a plain-speaking, proud and honest Ulsterman into a pathetic, whingeing, clueless, headless chicken’;
ii) Thompson Wilson, Democratic Official Unionist Party, MP, MEP, LLB, FTP on ‘I’m not delighted that Jim Grey had his brains blown out in front of his old dad, but I can certainly see why some people might be’;
iii) Davy McIlbelcher, Progressive Unionist Party (Upper Shankill Lenny Murphy memorial branch), on ‘Protestants have finally learned that violence pays’;
iv) Sammy Macoinring of the Ulster Political Research Group on ‘Catholics have got everything while we’ve got nothing’ (copies of this keynote address can be had by writing to Sammy at The Gables, 4 Sandy Lane, the Cayman Islands, West Caribbean, or on his website at www.investmentsolutions.com);
6pm: Programme of cultural events;
i) Scottish sword dancing display (PSNI members attend at own risk);
ii) Pipes and drums (Parents should note that means pipe bombs and oil drums);
iii) The Protestant Unionist Loyalist Young Boys True Blue Dolly’s Brae Prod Ulster Defenders will play a medley of tunes including ‘No More Room for Writing on My Grandad’s Lambeg drum’;
iv) The Ulster Scots poet and former UDA brigadier Tommy ‘Knuckles’ Normanson will read extracts from his latest collection (£200 quid from the Chinese, £50 from the wee sweetie shop and £1,000 from a building site). His acclaimed poem, Ulster, Mah Ulster, recently won the prestigious Timberland poetry prize. Here’s a short extract... Shaved heid, muscles, white vests, Titanic, Hoots mon, I’m in a homosexual panic;
v) DJ Stewarty presents techno-trance mix (drugs strictly forbidden, except from franchised outlets)

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