18 February 2006

UNDER surveillance

Daily Ireland

BY Robin Livingstone

You have to think that if they can recruit blokes like Denis and get huge bugs into Connolly House they can do just about anything.

Sinn Féin party stalwarts are said to be singularly unconcerned by the fact that they’ve been infiltrated and bugged for God knows how long, as one told me from Rio de Janeiro and another said from a coal bunker on the outskirts of Drogheda.

I think they’re right to be unconcerned. Some months ago I discovered that every room in my house had been bugged over a period of some 18 months. I confronted my old pal, Chief Constable Hugh Orde, about the matter. Sadly, Hugh refused to hand over the entire transcripts, but he was good enough to slip me an A4 summary which was discussed recently at a staff meeting of the Joint Irish Section of the Joint Intelligence Committee chaired by the director and co-ordinator of intelligence at the NIO.

Target: Robin Livingstone. Male journalist. Extreme republican thought to be on the point of compromising and/or exposing our network of informers and agents provocateurs in west Belfast referred to hereinafter by the codename CIRA. Also believed to be an IRA quartermaster.

Room no 1 (reception/TV area)
Subject has clearly been trained in sophisticated anti-surveillance techniques as he continually lies vertically on the settee out of the scan of our pinhead camera and places the television remote control on his chest to run electronic interference on the sonar wave microphone. Subject is in habit of listening to music, especially at night and at weekends when regular and unidentified pops and cracks can be heard.

Please disregard our initial assessment which identified the noises as experiments in improvised explosive devices (IEDs). Acoustics experts have since told us they are wine bottles and beer tins being opened.

Room no 2 (kitchen/dining room area)
Subject has secreted a two-way radio in this quadrant in which he carries on one-way, sometimes exasperated and frequently hostile conversations with a number of his superiors with RoI accents who we have identified as 1) Marian Finucane; 2) Pat Kenny; 3) Des Cahill; 4) Vincent Browne. Suggest all four are terminated with extreme prejudice.

Penchant for international cuisine suggests that subject has travelled widely to training camps or on fund-raising missions: Old El Paso fajitas; Goodfellas pizza; chilli Pringles; Birds Eye chicken tikka. Also, the presence of HP sauce suggests he may have been involved at some stage with the England Department.

Room no 3 (bathroom and toilet)
Subject is in habit of singing in the bath/shower – particularly favours The Broad Black Brimmer and Sniper’s Promise. When exiting bath/shower sucks belly in and makes muscleman poses in front of mirror.

Voracious reader of seditious material while performing evacuations. Experiments frequently with facial disguises while shaving possibly in preparation for resumption of hostilities – left goatee beard on, for instance, but quickly removed it when children burst out laughing; tried three-inch sideboards and bandido moustache, but quickly removed them when children burst out crying.

Room no 4 (bedroom)
Subject is clearly an experienced and considerate lover whose lengthy nocturnal activities often necessitate a shift change for exhausted monitoring teams. Three female agents removed from operational duties after trying to contact subject without authorisation and on their own time.

‘Pillow talk’ information is unfortunately limited because heavy bass tones of Barry White songs on CD make satisfactory audio recording difficult; video images similarly unsatisfactory because bedroom is usually lit only by candles. Possible link with Tokyo branch of the Red Army Faction as subject favours mid-thigh-length silk Japanese dressing gown with bell sleeves and a dragon on the back. Subject is extremely ___ - ___ ___ and often ___ his _____ with –––––– or ––––different ––––– in a typical night. Frequently _____ his ______ exotic massage techniques are _____by his _______ who ________ amazed and eternally grateful (Transcription incomplete – message ends).

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